Hello, Happy Resilient Mama: Dess Perkins’s Journey of Overcoming Adversity to Advocacy
by Callie Collins
by Callie Collins
Jul 30, 2024
“Statistically, I should not be where I am. According to my statistics, I should be addicted, in jail or dead. I am a survivor,” said Perkins. “When I meet people, I tell them I am a survivor of all the things I work with now in my nonprofit. I am a survivor of human trafficking, sexual assault, domestic violence and rape. There is often a gasp when I tell people that. My goal is to help people become the best versions of themselves, get through whatever it is and become the best version humanly possible.”
A native of Hawthorne, California, Perkins has made her life in Bakersfield. She was named for her grandmother, a relative she credits with being active in the community and setting an example of service to others, who owned a restaurant and a store. Born to a teenage addict, Perkins would eventually have six siblings.
“After my grandmother was murdered, the family started separating and moving to different areas. We lived in San Francisco, then Los Angeles and then Bakersfield,” said Perkins.
Drug addiction and sex work often go hand-in-hand, which was the case for Perkins’ mother. The family had their own apartment at 713 I Street but unsavory company became regular fixtures at the residence. She witnessed domestic violence and one of her mother’s boyfriends began to molest her, which progressed to rape around age 7 or 8. By the time Perkins was 13, clients also took notice of her presence and made trafficking arrangements with Perkins’ mother.
“They started propositioning me, so she would have me meet in the alley. They would take me to different hotels in Bakersfield and do whatever they wanted with me,” she explained “They would also take me to the mall and steal for their girlfriends or for them. I did it all in the interest of helping the family, supporting the household.”
Perkins’ mother’s home was raided and the siblings bounced in and out of the foster care system. Quality varied in each of the foster homes, with the children often running away and experiencing systemic issues inherent to problematic foster homes. A good foster home did not come her way until Perkins was 15 or 16.
“My foster parents showed me love for the first time. I experienced someone who cared but by the time I got to those foster parents, I had already been through so much. We stayed in touch all their lives,” said Perkins.
She went on to meet someone in high school who would add to that critical cycle of generational trauma. The couple had three children together but gang affiliation and domestic violence became part of their story. She eventually left the relationship 11 years later.
Perkins credits counseling and education as two key aspects to changing her life’s trajectory. “Life didn't just start changing for the better; it definitely takes time,” said Perkins. “You as a person have to do the work.” A quest for self-worth helped motivate her college pathway.
“Someone told me at one point that I would never be anything more than a mattress for men to lay on,” she said. “In my mind, though, I thought ‘Well, though, if I get this degree, I won’t just be a mattress for men to lay on. If I get this master’s degree, I won’t just be a mattress for men to lay on. If I get this other degree, I'm not a mattress. It’s just me trying to prove to myself that I am worthy. I wanted to be more than what people said I would be. I felt I was dumb. I started and stopped with school. I was afraid I was going to look stupid in the classroom because I was a drug baby and at the end I’d have to go back and ask the teacher for help because I really didn’t understand - but I had to get out of my head to get ahead.”
Perkins holds a Bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice with a minor in Child Development, a Master’s in Business and a Master’s in Educational Counseling with a Pupil Personnel Services (PPS) Credential. She started counseling as part of her course requirements but was skeptical about the process.
“I was not going to be on the couch for anyone. In fact, I went in and was determined to make the counselor work for it to figure me out. I asked to sit in the counselor’s chair and they let me,” she said. “Then, I cried the whole session and that’s how I knew I needed counseling. I did those 10 sessions plus a year and a half.”
She credits trauma therapy with being able to write her first book, which she drafted during COVID through a series of virtual meetings.
“Everything was over Zoom. I had panic attacks telling her about my life story because it was so heavy. She would help me breathe. We stopped talking, she walked me through it,” said Perkins.
Her book, “Warrior” was published in 2021. She has also published “I Am (A-Z) Affirmations for Kids” and a related coloring book.
Perkins has five children and is a grandmother to 10. She is currently raising two of her grandchildren, ages 8 and 9.
“Anything that happens is part of your DNA, part of your makeup now. I think about these things that happened to me and I look around and I'm sitting on my couch right now,” said Perkins. “Growing up, we didn't have furniture or food or money to be able to turn on the air conditioner.
I Have to give the honor and the thanks to God. Now, it's my job to bring someone along with me. I didn’t always believe in God but what I realized when I got older was that He was there protecting me the whole time. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.”
Perkins finished her first year as a teacher and counselor at Ridgeview this year. She also started a nonprofit, EmPOWERment, in 2022, which engages at-risk youth and survivors in the Kern County community. Events, workshops and continued services characterize its work, along with collaboration with other nonprofits like The Open Door Network.
“I want the absolute best for you because I didn't have it. I want young people to absolutely experience it. This is a healing journey for me as well as I have these events and help people,” said Perkins.
Alongside Senator Shannon Grove, helping shape legislation to combat human trafficking has also been part of her legacy. Perkins continues to work on state proposals targeting those who buy, sell and prey upon children.
“Go to my website to see the things we have done and read my impact report. We can always use financial help and a building is the next step, with space for students to learn and relax, have access to a clothes closet and so much more,” said Perkins.
Find more information about Perkins and her life’s work at https://empowermentdp.org/.
Four questions with Dess Perkins:
1. Oftentimes when it comes to changing their lives, people simply don’t know where to start. What would you recommend as a first step?
The first thing I would recommend is to start saying affirmations. People can tell you what you need to do but until you are tired, you're not going to leave whatever the situation is. Start telling yourself what you know you need and believe it. The second thing is to pray, even if you don’t know what to say. Pray doesn’t always sound like praise. It’s just a conversation.
2. We often talk with mothers in phases of life that can seem lonely or isolating, especially as they raise young children. Now from a different vantage point as the mother of adult children, what advice do you have for respite and renewal for women going through that phase of life?
My youngest child is 33 and my youngest is 26 but I am now a grandparent raising grandchildren while trying to navigate work and running a nonprofit. Sunup to sundown, you just have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing. As women, we are some of the strongest individuals on this planet. Know that but also know you don't always have to be strong. You have to have a village, a tribe. I have a village of people who are absolutely amazing.
When I can do something for myself, I sneak out and I do it . Recently, I took myself to a movie and I was literally the only person in that movie theater. I needed that; I just enjoyed the movie. My advice is to find what grounds you. Maybe go sit by a pool or in a park under a tree. Walk on the grass with your feet. Drive to the beach or some water. Find what grounds you. Go sit in the mall. Go somewhere and buy yourself an ice cream and sit. You need that peace away from everything. Doing something doesn't have to cost money. We want to do those things that do cost money but if you can't afford that, do the simple things in life. Go to the library, go read a book, go have an ice cream. Go to the spray parks; even though there are kids there, they aren't your kids. Close your eyes and soak up everything around you.
3. What should families in the Kern County area know more about in their community?
Kern County is a unique place. We have a lot of giving people and community leaders, people who care about everyone. When we see a need in Kern County, that's something different about us: the community comes together
4. What is your parenting PSA?
Speak your truth and don't let anyone ever diminish your story. Always be able to speak your truth. When you do, you silence those who have tried for so long to keep you quiet.
Fill-in-the-blank questions:
- I'm always laughing at… My grandkids.
- The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is… Scroll Facebook.
- Today, the strangest thing in my purse is... A battery charger for my phone.
- My favorite food is... Tacos.
- My favorite dessert is... I am a chocolate lover. I love cookies, cake, ice cream, and donuts. I am a foodie
- In my pantry, you will always find... Snacks. I tell my kids all the time, you're supposed to have a snack after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- Before I go out, I always make sure I have... Hand sanitizer and my glasses.
- My favorite music group is... Mary J. Blige.
- The best book I've read lately is... “The Fifth Agreement” by Don Miguel Ruiz
- So far, my best life advice is... Always hold your head up no matter what life throws at you.
