I remember the first time one of my kids asked me to drop her off a block away from the destination. I felt a steely cold sharpness run straight through my heart. It didn’t hurt quite so much when one of my other kids told me not to play any music I liked when there were people in the house. But when my kid suggested that I needed to change my outfit because I was too old to wear it, and it was the most embarrassing thing in the world that I even thought I could wear it, my pain turned to anger.

“Oh really,” I said thinking back on moments like when a store owner asked me to “please stop your children from licking the glass” and the mountains of money we spent on tips in restaurants (which we referred to as “damage deposits). Perhaps the most vivid mortifying moment, however, was the time two of my daughters ducked under a public table and came up chewing gum. Neither my husband nor myself had given them gum. Ew.

So now I am an embarrassment to them. Well, my little lovelies, I’ve decided to embrace this new title of The World’s Most Embarrassing Mom. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! You think it is embarrassing when I sing with Barry Manilow as I’m driving you and your little friends to dinner?

Ok, my sweet darlings, the time has come for Mommy to even the playing field. I did a little research and came up with a few zingers that will have you wishing you had never mocked me by saying, “Mom, you’re so embarrassing! Nobody says that anymore,” or “Geez, Mom, do you have to talk to my friends when I’m not in the room? It’s so embarrassing!”

Here are the top ten creative ideas on ways parents can embarrass their kids I found in my research:

1. Come up with a cute pet name, like “Smoochie Face,” and only use that name in public.

2. Always, and I repeat, always, crank up music you know they will hate and roll down the windows when you see your children’s friends. Extra credit if you sing loudly and off-key.

3. Anyone over 30 is obviously a ridiculous dancer and knows the activity should be avoided in public at all costs. However, this is one of the things that will most embarrass your little honeybuns. Make sure it's a dance from another century, like “The Robot” or “The Sprinkler.”

4. Extra credit for belly dancing.

5. Just as you are sitting down for a movie, ask very loudly and clearly, “Do you need to sit on the potty chair?”

6. Tell a joke in front of their friends.

7. Label their clothing with hearts and kissy lips around their names.

8. Shower them in constant kisses whenever you are in public.

9. Hint that you have had sex at some point in your life.

10. Breathe.

Use these ideas sparingly, and as tempting as it may be, do not use them all at once. Turnabout is fair play, but remember that you will need them to take care of you when you’re old.